There’s nothing like shopping for clothes that makes me realize that at almost 40 years old, I still don’t know who I am or what I like. Today I went into a store looking for a cute calendar and found myself trying on shoes and shuffling through clothes racks instead.
After trying on a few items, I spent way too long walking around the store dodging the same lady who always seemed to be going the opposite direction of me down the very narrow aisles as I debated on whether I should keep them or put them back.
“Are these clothes really me or do I just think they’re pretty because I see pretty people wearing similar items on Instagram?” I kept asking myself as I’d stop to hold up the items for the fiftieth time only to see that dadgum lady coming at me again. How was I supposed to answer that question when this woman wouldn’t let me stop long enough to think?
This decision paralysis when buying clothes isn’t a new thing for me. I have to remind myself that buying clothes is not like having a kid. One you can take back, the other you can’t. But the way my mind works, you’d think they were the same, and I either walk out of the store with nothing or I walk out with everything.
My diversion from my original quest to find a calendar wasn’t exactly random or a whim. I decided recently that I wanted to revamp my wardrobe and find my style, and since I was already in the store, it only made since to look around. My clothes are very basic and boring, and that annoys me. I don’t like basic and boring. Our modern world is basic and boring, and I hate it. All of our houses look the same. All of our buildings are ugly. And all of our clothes are bland, basic, and boring.
There’s a very popular brand that shall remain unnamed and whenever I see their clothes I always think that if the government had to dress us, this brand is exactly how I picture they would do it: solid, dull colors, boxy and shapeless. And honestly, that could be said of most brands. Beautiful things feel like a relic of the past that in our world of fast fashion we don’t have time or money for.
Well, I’m over it. Someday, I’ll tell you about my grandmother who wore whatever she wanted and didn’t worry about what other people thought. Let’s just say she wasn’t known for her subtlety, and I think she was happier for it. I want to be like her. I want to wear bold, beautiful, and fun clothes. Clothes that make me feel a certain way.
And there it is. As I spent way too long this afternoon thinking through my first world clothing dilemma, I found at least part of the answer in that word “feel.”
Clothes make us feel a certain way. It’s why we change our outfits so many times when deciding what to wear. I realized the question I needed to ask myself wasn’t “Is this me?” But “Does this make me feel the way I want to feel?” I feel that it’s an easier question to answer than whether something is me or not.
And whether we like it or not, clothes make people feel a certain way about us, to perceive or treat us in certain ways. It may or may not be fair but it is what it is so do these clothes give people the perception I want them to have about me, my vibe so to speak?
And finally, I had an epiphany when it came to “my style” as I moved around our little apartment. For me, it’s easier to dress my home than it is to dress myself. I’ve never been married to one particular style or genre. For me the joy and beauty is in combining and mixing things up. “Why can’t it be that way with my clothes?” I thought. I don’t have to commit to a style. I can just have fun, and that’s exactly what I plan to do. Now, if that lady can just find another store to shop at, that’d be great.
